JOSEPH does FOX News

Introduction


Torre et Ursi meritant pecuniment sed Porky non

Dear Sir:

It’s come to my attention that, during a recent telephone interview on a talk radio program this past week, you referred to FOX News as “The Conservative Catholic Network”. I must object – in the strongest terms – to your crass characterization of our on-air personalities and further state that your remarks were most hurtful to our own Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Neil Cavuto, Greg Cutfeld, Andrew Napolitano, Bret Baier, Brian Kilmeade, Father Jonathan Morris, et al.

In further response to what was your continued, sarcastic mockery of FOX News as – quote – the “College of Cardinals Channel”, might I remind you, sir, that our network’s own Greta Van Susteren is a devout Scientologist – and you damn well know that such bizarre rituals and beliefs are far outside the realm of the Catholic mainstream – at least since Vatican II, anyway.

You also chose to ignore our more recent inclusion of Mike Huckabee – a Baptist minister – who has greatly contributed to our dominance in the coveted, hick demographic segment – ages 12 to 15, in addition to their spouses and other blood relatives. Furthermore, you surely know that Geraldo Rivera is, of course, a Jew boy.

Moreover, former host, Judith Regan was not “excommunicated” by FOX News, as you so snidely put. And referring to the entirely innocent and benign events surrounding Ms. Regan, Roger Ailes, Bernie Kerik, and Rudy Giuliani as the “FOX News Da Vinci Code” was completely uncalled for – you sick, twisted, and demented man.

And might I also add that for you to further cite our guest analysts – Morris, Gingrich, Furman, North, etc. – as the “cable news, Lounge Acts of Contrition” was an insult to our guests – as something totally unwarranted, in addition to being wholly inaccurate. Dick Morris, as one of your examples, acknowledged and fully apologized for his foot fetish hotel interludes quite some time before even coming to FOX News. Besides … he’s a Jew – and clearly no act of remorseful contrition would, in any way, change his fate. So what, then, becomes your point?

But nothing was so crass and unfeeling as when you brought the families of our network employees into the mix – with your repugnant lie that the FOX News company picnic out in Syosset served wine and … “communion crisps”, as you described them. This was a complete fabrication on your part and, as such, there were no “children favorites” of Sour Cream & Onion, Zesty Barbecue – or whatever other flavors you so tastelessly assigned to the Body of Christ.

I do not seek – nor do I expect – an apology from you, either public or private. I merely suggest – rather than demand – that you exercise better judgment in the future before you set out to sully the good name of FOX News with such childish and needless characterizations in the furtive hopes it will turn away many of our viewers belonging to lesser, giggle-inducing, second-string, non-Catholic Christian faiths.

Respectfully,
Francis Patrick Kelly (“Go Chaminade!”)
Vice President of Programming
FOX NEWS
Merda taurorum animas conturbit

….. Okay, whatever ...

…. So I walk down the hallway to the kitchen for a left-over, refrigerated piece of pizza (“This is my body”), and to pour a second cup of coffee (“This is my blood”). And it would be here that I would change channels on the television, navigating to FOX News to give the cable network another chance – a reevaluation, in recognition that I may have been, perhaps, too harsh in my appraisal …

And there it would be …

Familiar, yet almost forgotten faces were making their cameo guest appearances … Dick Morris – waxing strategic on a Denny’s booster chair, Oliver North, Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Ted Nugent, Dick Armey, Bernie Goldberg, and even Mark Fuhrman – rendering FOX News as the faded-career, ‘Love Boat’ of cable news television. Indeed, as the programming moved on to ‘Hannity’, I awaited political analysis from John Davidson and Charo.

In previous decades, these people would have been making guest appearances on The Trinity Broadcasting Network (the final burial ground for careers that couldn’t get the ‘Love Boat’ gig). Or, in contemporary times, they’d more commonly show up in commercials for reverse mortgages – or in infomercials for Time-Life records.

But yes, sure … The death-defying, oxygen tent demographic of the FOX News Channel does fondly remember when the guests were playing Tahoe as warm-up acts for Tony Orlando … before they were relegated to the condo clubhouse circuit at FOX.

And, as a shrewd business entity, the cable network just had to reason ...

“How much could Dennis Miller cost nowadays, anyway? A $250 appearance fee, sweetened with a continental breakfast stay at Fairfield Inn? I mean, shit – Gretchen Carlson once told us she’s do anything for $20 – and looked it, so we made her morning host.”

And, with this, FOX News would soon come to be known as the ‘Where Are They Now?’ curiosity for conservatives …

Christ, even ‘Ann of Mean Fables’ has the good sense to show up on other cable outlets when she can get the invitation … HLN, HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher … even on MSNBC by way of the most gracious, Lawrence O’Donnell. Ann correctly reasons, “I’ll be goddamned if I start making shopping mall appearances like Ted Nugent, and shit.”

Sure, Fox News does try to book newsmakers a little more current and topical from time to time, but then it ends up being people like Congressman, Allen West – the new Captain Queeg of the Republican party who rolls ball bearings in his hand whenever he has to make a live television appearance. Or, as James Bond said to Pussy Galore, concerning Goldfinger ... ”He’s quite mad, you know" …

Still, FOX News has made sporadic and feeble stabs at providing contemporary relevance for the conservative hipsters …’The ½ Hour News Hour’ – having had a shelf life that almost rivaled that of a Rosie O’Donnell variety show … and ‘Red Eye’, featuring the cymbal and a rim-shot writing of a high school Video Squad gone adolescent vaudeville. Guest appearances aside, it would feature a trio of guys still enamored of the sounds that can be coaxed from a perspired underarm while writing their material on the back of detention slips.

….. But oh, fuck me – look …

Frank Luntz, with his micro-sampled, hotel conference room of 19 participants wearing peel ‘n strip name tags from Kinkos that Frank calls a ‘Focus Group’. Still, Luntz has successfully managed to convince FOX News that there’s some sort of statistical merit to the Clockwork Orange dial rotations of a sample that showed up for the promise of a donut and free access to a banquet-style, flip-valve coffee urn.

And lookee here …

It’s Brit Hume. A man who draws back his chin and pushes down his brow so hard it looks like he’s trying to hit the low notes of the Basso Profundo part in Rachmaninoff’s ‘Vespers’. By the way … Love the check pattern and polka dots, Brit. Nice touch. Did the round-toed clown shoes come with those coordinates? Let me throw in a crushed hat, along with a charcoal-applied beard shadow and I’ll confidently secure you the lead in the upcoming ‘Red Skelton Review’ revival.

But speaking of brows, Hume can only be regarded as the antithesis of Judge Jeanine Pirro … a woman who’s had so many paralyzing Botox injections between the eyes and along the forehead she has to physically use her hands to manipulate the face in an effort to emote. Were it not for the manual manipulation provided by her digits, she could witness the multiple axe murders of an entire orphanage and seemingly remain undaunted, poor thing.

But, okay … enough. Let me close on a positive note …

I’m leaving this babe alone. Lauren Green. Aside from being totally hot – not to, in any way, be expected from a ‘Religion Correspondent’, I feel something of a kinship here because she’s a true, concert-grade pianist. It’s probably the reason I give Condoleezza Rice more of a pass-go than she deserves. I genuinely enjoyed listening to Green’s ‘Classic Beauty’ CD with some truly world-class performances. And Christ, what I wouldn’t give for this babe to try to convert me.

Interestingly, her knowledge of Pop and Rock music is extraordinarily slim and it was for this reason – not out of musical elitism, she was actually reluctant to become part of Mike Huckabee’s house band, ‘The Little Rockers’, as a name that Mike insisted upon after rejecting the FOX News suggestion of … ‘The Rhythm Methods’.

In any event, I'll certainly continue to tune in during the 2012 campaign season to see what else unfolds at Vatican West.

Joseph
Fallen Catholic

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