Its come to my attention that, during a recent telephone interview
on a talk radio program this past week, you referred to FOX News as The
Conservative Catholic Network. I must object in the strongest
terms to your crass characterization of our on-air personalities and
further state that your remarks were most hurtful to our own Bill OReilly,
Sean Hannity, Neil Cavuto, Greg Cutfeld, Andrew Napolitano, Bret Baier, Brian
Kilmeade, Father Jonathan Morris, et al.
In further response to what was your continued, sarcastic mockery of FOX
News as quote the College of Cardinals Channel,
might I remind you, sir, that our networks own Greta Van Susteren is
a devout Scientologist and you damn well know that such bizarre rituals
and beliefs are far outside the realm of the Catholic mainstream at
least since Vatican II, anyway.
You also chose to ignore our more recent inclusion of Mike Huckabee
a Baptist minister who has greatly contributed to our dominance in
the coveted, hick demographic segment ages 12 to 15, in addition to
their spouses and other blood relatives. Furthermore, you surely know that
Geraldo Rivera is, of course, a Jew boy.
Moreover, former host, Judith Regan was not
excommunicated by FOX News, as you so snidely put. And referring
to the entirely innocent and benign events surrounding Ms. Regan, Roger Ailes,
Bernie Kerik, and Rudy Giuliani as the FOX News Da Vinci Code
was completely uncalled for you sick, twisted, and demented man.
And might I also add that for you to further cite our guest analysts
Morris, Gingrich, Furman, North, etc. as the cable news, Lounge
Acts of Contrition was an insult to our guests
as something totally unwarranted, in addition to being wholly inaccurate.
Dick Morris, as one of your examples, acknowledged and fully apologized for
his foot fetish hotel interludes quite some time before even coming to FOX
News. Besides hes a Jew and clearly no act of remorseful
contrition would, in any way, change his fate. So what, then, becomes your
But nothing was so crass and unfeeling as when you brought the
families of our network employees into the mix with your repugnant
lie that the FOX News company picnic out in Syosset served wine and
communion crisps, as you described them. This was a
complete fabrication on your part and, as such, there were no
children favorites of Sour Cream & Onion, Zesty Barbecue
or whatever other flavors you so tastelessly assigned to the Body
I do not seek nor do I expect an apology from you, either public
or private. I merely suggest rather than demand that you exercise
better judgment in the future before you set out to sully the good name of
FOX News with such childish and needless characterizations in the furtive
hopes it will turn away many of our viewers belonging to lesser, giggle-inducing,
second-string, non-Catholic Christian faiths.
Francis Patrick Kelly (Go Chaminade!)
Vice President of Programming FOX NEWS Merda taurorum animas conturbit
.. Okay, whatever ...
. So I walk down the hallway to the kitchen for a left-over, refrigerated
piece of pizza (This is my body), and to pour a second cup of
coffee (This is my blood). And it would be here that I would
change channels on the television, navigating to FOX News to give the cable
network another chance a reevaluation, in recognition that I may have
been, perhaps, too harsh in my appraisal
And there it would be
Familiar, yet almost forgotten faces were making their cameo guest appearances
Dick Morris waxing strategic on a Dennys booster chair,
Oliver North, Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Ted Nugent, Dick Armey, Bernie Goldberg,
and even Mark Fuhrman rendering FOX News as the faded-career, Love
Boat of cable news television. Indeed, as the programming moved on
to Hannity, I awaited political analysis from John Davidson and
In previous decades, these people would have been making guest appearances
on The Trinity Broadcasting Network (the final burial ground for careers
that couldnt get the Love Boat gig). Or, in contemporary
times, theyd more commonly show up in commercials for reverse mortgages
or in infomercials for Time-Life records.
But yes, sure The death-defying, oxygen tent demographic of the FOX
News Channel does fondly remember when the guests were playing Tahoe
as warm-up acts for Tony Orlando before they were relegated to the
condo clubhouse circuit at FOX.
And, as a shrewd business entity, the cable network just had to reason
How much could Dennis Miller cost nowadays, anyway? A $250 appearance
fee, sweetened with a continental breakfast stay at Fairfield Inn? I mean,
shit Gretchen Carlson once told us shes do anything for $20
and looked it, so we made her morning host.
And, with this, FOX News would soon come to be known as the Where Are
They Now? curiosity for conservatives
Christ, even Ann of Mean Fables has the good sense to show up
on other cable outlets when she can get the invitation HLN, HBOs
Real Time with Bill Maher even on MSNBC by way of the most gracious,
Lawrence ODonnell. Ann correctly reasons, Ill be goddamned
if I start making shopping mall appearances like Ted Nugent,
Sure, Fox News does try to book newsmakers a little more current and
topical from time to time, but then it ends up being people like Congressman,
Allen West the new Captain Queeg of the Republican party who rolls
ball bearings in his hand whenever he has to make a live television appearance.
Or, as James Bond said to Pussy Galore, concerning Goldfinger ...
Hes quite mad, you know"
Still, FOX News has made sporadic and feeble stabs at providing contemporary
relevance for the conservative hipsters The ½ Hour
News Hour having had a shelf life that almost rivaled that of
a Rosie ODonnell variety show and Red Eye, featuring
the cymbal and a rim-shot writing of a high school Video Squad gone adolescent
vaudeville. Guest appearances aside, it would feature a trio of guys still
enamored of the sounds that can be coaxed from a perspired underarm while
writing their material on the back of detention slips.
.. But oh, fuck me look
Frank Luntz, with his micro-sampled, hotel conference room of 19 participants
wearing peel n strip name tags from Kinkos that Frank calls a Focus
Group. Still, Luntz has successfully managed to convince FOX
News that theres some sort of statistical merit to the Clockwork
Orange dial rotations of a sample that showed up for the promise of a
donut and free access to a banquet-style, flip-valve coffee urn.
And lookee here
Brit Hume. A man who draws back his chin and pushes down his brow so hard
it looks like hes trying to hit the low notes of the Basso Profundo
part in Rachmaninoffs Vespers. By the way
Love the check pattern and polka dots, Brit. Nice touch. Did the round-toed
clown shoes come with those coordinates? Let me throw in a crushed hat, along
with a charcoal-applied beard shadow and Ill confidently secure you
the lead in the upcoming Red Skelton Review revival.
speaking of brows, Hume can only be regarded as the antithesis of Judge Jeanine
Pirro a woman whos had so many paralyzing Botox injections between
the eyes and along the forehead she has to physically use her hands to manipulate
the face in an effort to emote. Were it not for the manual manipulation provided
by her digits, she could witness the multiple axe murders of an entire orphanage
and seemingly remain undaunted, poor thing.
But, okay enough. Let me close on a positive note
leaving this babe alone. Lauren Green. Aside from being totally hot
not to, in any way, be expected from a Religion Correspondent,
I feel something of a kinship here because shes a true, concert-grade
pianist. Its probably the reason I give Condoleezza Rice more of a
pass-go than she deserves. I genuinely enjoyed listening to Greens
Classic Beauty CD with some truly world-class performances.
And Christ, what I wouldnt give for this babe to try to convert me.
Interestingly, her knowledge of Pop and Rock music is extraordinarily slim
and it was for this reason not out of musical elitism, she was actually
reluctant to become part of Mike Huckabees house band, The Little
Rockers, as a name that Mike insisted upon after rejecting the FOX
News suggestion of The Rhythm Methods.
In any event, I'll certainly continue to tune in during the 2012 campaign
season to see what else unfolds at Vatican West.