Well, theres certainly been a lot of Catholic community buzz about
the new, iConfess App available from Apples iTunes store for
both the iPhone, as well as the iPad.
I elected to review the iPhone version as the large-screen iPad inception
invited neighboring eyes to look from the side, or over ones shoulder.
So bless me, Father
for I have sinned and its certainly
been a while since I last did this sort of thing vis a vis catechism at Saint
Peter of Alcatraz in Port Washington, New York. In fact, I was a child.
Our Fathers. Hail Marys.
Sure, it always seemed odd that, as Catholic-imposed penance, The Church
would choose Catholic prayer, itself, as punishment. Still
This just made me all the more curious to see how Catholicism would
now adopt the technologies of the 21st Century when most of The Church had
remained in the 16th Century for so long. Yes, there was Vatican,
Version 2.0, I know I grew up with that, some time after the initial
Beta testing. But this
While the makers of this App dont indicate the necessity to have your
Apple product consecrated by a priest, I reason that it may not be a bad
idea just to, you know be sure. Still, for the purposes of
this hands-on report the only kind of self-administered
hands-on okayed by The Church I just installed
the App and had at it ...
I must admit, after initially Registering The Sinner with my
personal information and a password, my first perusal proved to be something
of a disappointment. It asked me to select spiritual breeches from a Pick
O Sins screen. I started with something simple like Using
The Lords name in vain
From here, a penance would be served.
Lame, I thought. So I rang up the App's developer company
who created a logo that looked remarkably reminiscent of a slutty motorcycle
first asking them if the software App was one of creation or evolution,
they indicated that both concepts were in play and that the product was,
in fact, continually evolving
With this, I voiced my suggestions mostly regarding the greater ease
of use and, most of all, as it related to greater sin specificity. I mean,
the standard fare just didnt cut it for me.
With this, they spoke of an upcoming version a few months away from
final release whereby one could confess (speak) directly into the
microphone and a hi-resolution, interactive penance would be delivered on-screen
(said to look beautiful on the new Retina display). Wonderful, I told them.
And, with this, they asked if Id like to be a Beta tester
WOULD I ?!!!
So, with the pre-release version in hand as the only pre-release
item' The Church allows in hand I thought Id run this exciting
prototype through its paces. And what an improvement it was!
Wishing to test its capabilities progressively from the easy
calls, to sins more complex I started out with something rather
simple, at first. Something relatively benign and innocent
THE SIN: I provided oral sex to a married woman.
THE PENANCE: 4 Hail Marys.
THE SIN: ...... fucked her, too.
THE PENANCE: Deduct one Hail Mary from above for the procreation
. She was on the pill.
THE PENANCE: Put that one Hail Mary right back, mister. In fact, add
an Our Father to the mix. That'll teach you.
Not bad, I thought. But I now wanted to test the new
Apps ability to make moral distinctions among more nuanced trespasses
THE SIN: I gave head to an unmarried woman.
THE PENANCE: See Sister Rosemary Lynn Thomas. She wants to talk to
THE SIN: I dated a Jewish chick.
THE PENANCE: No additional penance required.
THE SIN: I paid for a girlfriends abortion.
THE PENANCE: Place an equal cash expenditure amount in the collection
basket. We'll call it even.
THE SIN: I axe murdered a Protestant couple.
THE PENANCE: These things happen.
THE SIN: ... and their two children.
THE PENANCE: What, do you want a medal?
THE SIN: I once hung out with the Kennedy family.
THE PENANCE: Why didn't you say so in the first place, you
dolt? Scratch the above penances entirely.
this pre-release of the upcoming version of iConfess
certainly contained a new intelligence indeed, not known to most
Catholics, outside of the Jesuits, perhaps and certainly not demonstrated
in the current version. With this, I suggest you wait
But most of all, surely in any of its versions and inceptions
we, as Catholics, naturally think
If a downloaded App can take the
place a priest
can a Blow Job App be far behind?
Current Version: 1.0.1
1.0.1 (iOS 4.0 Tested)
Size: 0.8 MB
Rated 9+ for the following:
Infrequent/Mild Mature/Suggestive Themes
Requirements: Compatible with iPhone, iPod touch, and
iPad. Requires iOS 3.1.3 or later