The Catholic iConfess App


Well, there’s certainly been a lot of Catholic community buzz about the new, iConfess App – available from Apple’s iTunes store for both the iPhone, as well as the iPad.

I elected to review the iPhone version as the large-screen iPad inception invited neighboring eyes to look from the side, or over one’s shoulder.

So bless me, Father … for I have sinned – and it’s certainly been a while since I last did this sort of thing vis a vis catechism at Saint Peter of Alcatraz in Port Washington, New York. In fact, I was a child.

Our Fathers. Hail Marys.

Sure, it always seemed odd that, as Catholic-imposed penance, The Church would choose Catholic prayer, itself, as punishment. Still ...

This just made me all the more curious to see how Catholicism would now adopt the technologies of the 21st Century when most of The Church had remained in the 16th Century for so long. Yes, there was Vatican, Version 2.0, I know – I grew up with that, some time after the initial Beta testing. But this … was different.

While the makers of this App don’t indicate the necessity to have your Apple product consecrated by a priest, I reason that it may not be a bad idea – just to, you know – be sure. Still, for the purposes of this hands-on report – the only kind of self-administered ‘hands-on’ okayed by The Church – I just installed the App and had at it ...

I must admit, after initially ‘Registering The Sinner’ with my personal information and a password, my first perusal proved to be something of a disappointment. It asked me to select spiritual breeches from a ‘Pick O’ Sins’ screen. I started with something simple like “Using The Lord’s name in vain” … From here, a penance would be served.

Lame, I thought. So I rang up the App's developer company … the ones who created a logo that looked remarkably reminiscent of a slutty motorcycle tattoo ...

Upon first asking them if the software App was one of creation – or evolution, they indicated that both concepts were in play and that the product was, in fact, continually evolving …

With this, I voiced my suggestions – mostly regarding the greater ease of use and, most of all, as it related to greater sin specificity. I mean, the ‘standard fare’ just didn’t cut it for me.

With this, they spoke of an upcoming version – a few months away from final release – whereby one could confess (speak) directly into the microphone and a hi-resolution, interactive penance would be delivered on-screen (said to look beautiful on the new Retina display). Wonderful, I told them. And, with this, they asked if I’d like to be a Beta tester …

WOULD I ?!!!

So, with the pre-release version in hand – as the only ‘pre-release item' The Church allows in hand – I thought I’d run this exciting prototype through its paces. And what an improvement it was!

Wishing to test its capabilities progressively – from the “easy calls”, to sins more complex – I started out with something rather simple, at first. Something relatively benign and innocent …

THE SIN: I provided oral sex to a married woman.
THE PENANCE: 4 Hail Marys.

THE SIN: ...... fucked her, too.
THE PENANCE: Deduct one Hail Mary from above for the procreation possibilities.

THE SIN: ……. She was on the pill.
THE PENANCE: Put that one Hail Mary right back, mister. In fact, add an Our Father to the mix. That'll teach you.

Okayyyy … Not bad, I thought. But I now wanted to test the new App’s ability to make moral distinctions among more nuanced trespasses …

THE SIN: I gave head to an unmarried woman.
THE PENANCE: See Sister Rosemary Lynn Thomas. She wants to talk to you.

THE SIN: I dated a Jewish chick.
THE PENANCE: No additional penance required.

THE SIN: I paid for a girlfriend’s abortion.
THE PENANCE: Place an equal cash expenditure amount in the collection basket. We'll call it even.

THE SIN: I axe murdered a Protestant couple.
THE PENANCE: These things happen.

THE SIN: ... and their two children.
THE PENANCE: What, do you want a medal?

THE SIN: I once hung out with the Kennedy family.
THE PENANCE: Why didn't you say so in the first place, you dolt? Scratch the above penances entirely.

Alright, then … this pre-release of the upcoming version of iConfess certainly contained a new intelligence – indeed, not known to most Catholics, outside of the Jesuits, perhaps – and certainly not demonstrated in the current version. With this, I suggest you wait …

But most of all, surely – in any of its versions and inceptions – we, as Catholics, naturally think … If a downloaded App can take the place a priest … can a Blow Job App be far behind?

Category: Lifestyle
Current Version: 1.0.1
1.0.1 (iOS 4.0 Tested)
Size: 0.8 MB
Language: English

Rated 9+ for the following:
Infrequent/Mild Mature/Suggestive Themes

Requirements: Compatible with iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad. Requires iOS 3.1.3 or later


Send an Email to JosephMind




 original contents copyright © joseph bambach