Republican Destiny


Dr. Zira: What will the Republicans find out there, doctor?

Dr. Zaius: … Their destiny.

Camera truck shot follows Mitt and Ann Romney galloping along the beachfront on their horse, Rafalca. Mitt pulls back on reigns to halt horse, dismounts, drops to knees, pounds sand with fist - in anguish.

Mitt Romney: Gosh-Darn them all … to heck!

Wide shot of beachfront, behind Romneys and Rafalca. Scene reveals the Statue of Liberty in background (matte shot).

– Planet of The Republicans, 1968 –


… Yeah.

Of course, in the lesser, copycat film of the same year, ‘Planet of The Apes’, the Republicans played all the parts. The Apes – naturally – denying all of scientific knowledge, rejecting any suggestion that they were derivatives of mankind, most of all. And the GOP monkey- mouthpiece leaders prohibited those they ruled from entering ‘The Forbidden Zone’ where knowledge might be procured.

It would be a planet where history had been entirely rewritten by the Republi-Ape elders ... A planet that was no more than 6,000 years old, where Consera-Monkey and Man would rise – in unison – as a synchronous coincidence ... as told. No relation.

And then there was Astronaut, George Taylor – again, played by a Republican – who would, indeed, find his destiny – along with that of his party, his people …

The Statue of Liberty. The invitation to the tired, the poor … the huddled masses.

And with the huddled masses – the tired and poor among them – having now bit the Republicans on the ass this past election day, The Apes have now … “evolved” … as conservative Talkateer, Sean Hannity, would put it. And the evolution would be fast: Less than 48 hours.

Now that’s liberty … one that can only come from … ‘evolution’. No longer would Republican men have to wonder why doctors always had to pull hair from their pilonidal cysts. Or why they called its location a tailbone in the first place.

But such a Turbo-Evolution by many key Republicans should come as little surprise. After all, there’s something common to all, men and apes – you know – alike …

Survival instinct.

And it never takes long to kick in. No – especially when it’s your own ass that’s being kicked.

Sure, initially the apes jumped up and down, made screeching noises, and rattled their cable network cages. And there certainly was much in the way of entertainment watching squirrel monkey, Karl Rove on election night – and, of course – marmoset, Dick Morris, the day after. But in rather short order, primate emotion is overtaken by the animal instinct of one’s own survival – even if their tree-hopping candidate would continue to lick his wounds. Still, in fairness, only he would see that “all the trees are at just the right height.” … I mean, only a monkey can make such a rapid, on-the-fly visual assessment.

But after 48 hours of post-election, hard drinking … I mean, harder than usual – even in Washington, some of the Republican entertainment-analysts would calm down a bit – soon beginning to clean one another, picking shit out of each other’s hair – whether real or fashioned. And in these moments, more lucid – that only inebriation can bring to the Republican – they could continue to ponder their survival under liquid sedation …

After all, they reasoned, evolution is brought about by adaptation – that which has always been required for continued survival. And if it worked for Man, it might just work for Republicans … Perhaps, indeed, they could make better use of the opposing thumb, they now thought.

With this, Sean Hannity – and a host of others – would soon sit poised at their broadcast microphones in ponchos and sombreros ... “rethinking” immigration policy.

The Editor of The Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol – among others, inclusive of Republicans on The Hill – would soon ‘reassess’ tax policy. And when I say “soon”, I mean – again – within 48 hours of election night. Maybe raising taxes on those making over $250,000 a year isn’t such a ‘biggie’, several would now think ... or … evolve.

To me, $250,000 a year isn’t ‘rich’ – it’s ‘comfortable’. But that’s okay, Republicans – whatever (now) floats your boat ... or keeps it from sinking, in your case – or in your mind, more accurately.

Meanwhile … Greg Gutfeld of ‘Red Eye’ and ‘The Five’ on FOX News … Well, I don’t actually know what Gutfeld has said of late, in truth – but I can’t see how it matters. I mean, even the FOX News website refers to him as a “personality” – not an analyst. Oh, wait …. FOX News refers to all of their people as “personalities”. If only their network ‘calls’ could be as accurate on election night.

But then there was Ann Coulter (I know … you regular readers have been waiting for it) … Ann assessed the election results as being that coming from a country comprised of “more takers than makers”. And as is often the case with Ann, she’s half right. There are certainly fewer ‘makers’ – and by design. But she’d go on …

“It’s over,” said Ann. “There is no hope.”

I must say, I’ve never once known Ann to be so … melodramatic. But sometimes, conservative women can just be soooo … emotional. So easily … distraught. I just never expected it from Ann. Apparently, it was enough for her to run out to buy another pack of cigarettes along 2nd Avenue. Poor thing.

But at least she didn’t endeavor to recalibrate her entire psyche – her very conservative soul – no, not as a woman who’s always been partial to black. Ann just … gave up – now only sketching quick, near-despondent outlines for her next book, ‘Hopeless’.

But for her contemporaries – other conservatives – no. At the moment, they’re in the middle of some soul searching – not for content, mind you – but existence.

Still, in this rummaging, they’ve allowed emotion to overtake cool intellect. While several conservatives believe they’ve experienced a ‘lesson learned’, they haven’t seemingly learned a fundamental of national politics …

You never let a one-off election night inalterably change your course. Liberal Democrats have known that for a generation – or more. Yes, Bill Clinton recalibrated after his first midterm loss, but he did it so deftly, few people really noticed. After all, he originally ran as an M.O.R. centrist in the first place. And, with that, small-tweak adjustments would be moot.

But when you’re a died-in-the-wool conservative – hard right – responding with ‘moderation’, and with such haste … you’re show’s over. Moreover, you’ve been outed as having much in common with your nominated candidate: Most anything for the win. Fundamentally unprincipled, in short.

Yes, soften your immigration stance – by all means. For even if you were to split the Latino vote down the middle – unlikely – you’d still lose. Be open to higher taxes for the better off – yes. You’ll still lose. Not that the Republicans have been entirely up to snuff on their math skills of late, mind you.

So, Republicans … how much are you willing to give up? How many things on your time-honored list are you willing to ….. compromise – and in the literal sense of the word?

Go ahead … do it. Give it all up, in fact. The people – the ‘takers’ – will always remember who forced your hand. So do surrender, by all means … without benefit. You might as well, as you have little choice now – and by your own hand. The one that wasn’t forced. It’s the corner you walked yourselves into.

In contrast, consider the Democrats …

In the midterm election of 2010, the Tea Party rose to some degree of political notoriety after their hapless followers had been subjected to an updated version of the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment – originally commencing in 1932, for four decades, to study the progression of untreated syphilis in black people – now revived and administered to the unwitting Tea Party minions ... Ironic, I know. And for poor Allen West, the double-whammy.

Still, the syphilis-minded Tea Party secured some congressional victories.

But how did liberal Democrats respond in the subsequent 24 hours? Or 24 months? Did they take to the television cameras and radio microphones to ponder, “You know … Maybe we should reconsider our positions and give the Tea Party thoughts a closer look.” … Did they ‘walk it back’?

Where then, was the equivalency to what you hear in the conservative Republican voices of this day, post 2012 election? Name them.

Take all the time you need ... I’ll wait ……………

But no … there was no equivalency – not in numbers, and certainly not in intensity. For no – it wasn’t ‘over’. And it wasn’t … ‘hopeless’.

Instead, in 2012, the Democrats – as ones who stuck to their principles, whether right or wrong – were rewarded with The White House, The Senate – in higher numbers, and could have had an even stronger presence in The House if the Republicans didn’t have the advantage in pre-election redistricting. And the Tea Party would now exist in name only.

And reaping the benefit of this stand-firm political savvy – seemingly unknown to Republicans, the Democrats can now further embed policy, write policy, move policy, appoint Supreme Court Justices – and a menu of other after-dinner delights that can potentially fill your tummies for a generation.

Or more.

Moreover, it was the very timing of the 2012 election – and all it could beget – that would make it among the most devastating losses for the Republicans in the past 100 years. Some know it. Others, they endeavor to diminish it … or follow it.

For on this day – in any or all events, the Republicans aren’t leaders. They’re in the rearview mirror. And in that reflective glance …

Monkey see. Monkey do.

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