Sgt. Pepper's Bleeding Hearts Club Band

The Ultra-Left Shooting Massacre After-Party

Celebrating 50 Years of Insistent Reality. 

Blood Libel, No.     Blood Lust ... Yes.

My fellow Ultra-Leftist, gather ‘round ... Gather ‘round …

Okay … I know it’s been real exciting around here this past week or so – what, with the Tucson shooting massacre, and all ... And we most certainly do have reason to celebrate, naturally. For while the conspiratorial, mainstream ‘Trilateral Corporate Complex Commodity Media Manipulation Matrix' would refer to those brutally gunned down as "vic-tims" – we on the Ultra-Left prefer to think of them as “working material”. And although there are those – more simple of mind – who see such misfortunes as (quote) “tragedies”, we know them better as … ‘Launch Events’.

Naturally, our Tucson shooting massacre After-Party was exceptionally festive, filled with rapturous enthusiasm – as it further energized us all with a new, exciting opportunity for opposition-blame, as well as our own time-honored tradition of victim usury. Yes, we had been down this road several times before – exploiting entire victim classes as our tools, to our end – riddled with affected affection. Like we care.

But this new and timely, spectacular event of opportunistic ambrosia ... was different. Somehow more ... personal. More human. More to the heart. And the perfect-touch addition of that dead 9 year old couldn't have served up an icing more delicious. I mean, was that just not perfect ?

What a gift.

Indeed, my fellow Ultra-Leftists ... this ... is 'Our Time' – our own New Morning in America that has no time ... for mourning.

And I applaud each and every one of you who, within the space of an hour of the shooting rampage, took to the Internet Blogs and Social Networking arenas as our new, next-generation black beret and mimeograph machine. For it was here that your poured your hearts out with righteous and entirely grief-free anger – whether real of synthesized, it matters not.

Still, we’ve had our share of letdowns … With the gunman captured alive, several eyewitnesses at hand, and Representative Gabrielle Gifford regrettably taking only one bullet to the head, rather than several – as preferred, we’ve been deprived of our cherished opportunity to engage in conspiracy theories as we would otherwise gather in the Safeway parking lot to map out the triangulated fire possibilities.

And yes, I know certain … “information” … has more recently emerged that is a great disappointment to us all. But remember – verifiable facts have often been the enemy of the Ultra-Left. They haven’t discouraged us in the past. They shouldn’t, in any way, daunt us now.

Sure, authorities found a signed, 2007 document from Gabrielle Gifford’s office – so cherished by the assailant, he kept it in a lock box – seemingly indicating that he was, perhaps, obsessing on the Representative long before Sarah Palin first came to national attention in August of 2008, and prior to the formation of the Tea Party in 2009. But this only demonstrates the wicked, time-traveling, Manchurian Candidate powers of that Right-Wing movement. Don’t look foolish, thinking otherwise.

And while, in all of assailant Loughner’s free-association prose and videos noirs there was not – on the surface – a single mention of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin, immigration, health reform, or birth certificates … it’s only a matter of time before Loughner’s clever use of advanced encryption is decoded and deciphered, with the truth fully revealed. In the interim, do not become discouraged – or, in any way, dissuaded – by evidentiary “facts”. Though, as Ultra-Leftists, I know that few of us ever are.

And fuck that bitch, Ann Coulter, for pointing out that the targeted Bull’s-Eye maps were the original creation of Democratic consultant, Bob Beckel – by his own admission – as had been previously used by the Democratic Leadership Committee.


And I hasten to preemptively add … even if Loughner, himself, comes out to proclaim that he never listened to talk radio and thought Sarah Palin was a complete scatterbrain, do not ‘stand-down’ from what we know to be true. For such assertions by the assailant could not be trusted or in any way believed … because – you know – he’s fucking crazy, and shit.

By the way, I just want to take this arbitrary and random moment to say that I’m all for you black people ...

But back to the subject at hand …

So … where do we go from here? … We ‘Move Forward’ … by retreat. We, on the Ultra-Left – as the only true purveyors of all things liberal – must isolate ourselves from anyone who doesn’t think precisely as we do. These “just-don’t-get-it” deviants would not only include conservative Republicans – but moderates, Libertarians, mainstream Democrats, and Obama apologists.

This, mind you, not to create a closed-circuit environment without intellectual challenges, where we tend perform at our very best … though such exclusion certainly entertains the advantage – yes. Rather, it is a means to keep our people pure … For if philosophical and political bigotry was good enough for the Aryan master race … it’s certainly good enough for us.

So, as before, let’s all assume our traditional circle jerk formation, copiously spunking on one other – as encouraged – with a collective seed that hasn’t once given viable birth ….. to anything.


Joseph is a longtime Democrat and self-described, traditional button-down liberal. He spends his spare time drawing attention to the absurdities of irrational political extremism, both Left and Right.

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 original contents copyright © joseph bambach