Let the controversial New York, Park 51 Mosque and Muslim Cultural Center
be built, as intended. Then have nineteen Born Again, Evangelical Christians
fly into the structures as a suicide mission, evoking the name of Jesus Christ
just prior to impact and fiery explosion. Call it even. There. Problem solved.
Let the Tea Party movement secede from the nation, forming a new country
more to their liking. Give them Missouri, say. As a bonus, generational
inbreeding could be entirely legal, under its own laws, so these poor and
unfortunate people can finally procreate without having to incestuously reproduce
under the cloak of secrecy. With this, new markets could be created for custom
tailoring to fully accommodate the long-continued offspring where one arm
is decidedly shorter than the other. There. Problem solved.
UPDATE: Longtime friend, and former liberal, Neuvo-Conservative Talk Host,
Joyce Kaufman writes in:
I'm sitting in Missouri reading your somewhat funny rantings ... On behalf
of the Tea Party, we accept your offer.
JOSEPH RESPONDS to JOYCE:
As to the acceptance of my offer, making Missouri the new land of your secession,
I merely suggest that you be mindful of the fact that you'll now have four
borders to secure not that many would have a particular incentive
to cross them, mind you. Still, it will no doubt give the Tea Party
movement something to do for years to come outside of intimate family
Bring an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict through innovative urban
renewal programs. Level all current structures in Jerusalem and replace them
with luxury time-share apartments. Premium Weeks, such as those
containing Holy Days, would be available on a first-come, first-served basis.
Yes, this would only provide a temporary solution as the Palestinians would
eventually come to realize that they really couldnt afford much of
luxury-anything, in any event even in the non-seasonal,
but its the thought.
Barrack Obama should counter and put to rest all rumors and accusations that
hes a Muslim and/or a bad Christian
a Jew. His approval and popularity ratings would instantly improve to roughly
that of Sammy Davis Jr., though finding a hotel room on his road trips might
prove to be a little problematic. Although, while possibly offsetting any
Angela Davis associations, additionally coughing up a new, Swedish blonde
wife would not be recommended in the current cultural climate.
Curtail the influx of illegal immigrants and undocumented workers by removing
all border fences
and replace them with reflective mirrors, aimed
south. Mexicans will see their own dark and shadowy figures
approaching from a distance, assume that theyre the US
authorities, and shall hastily head back home. Per square foot, far less
expensive than the tall and elaborate border fences, and would further eliminate
the high cost of border patrol personnel as they have now been effectively
synthesized and simulated by the very intruders trying to get past them.
There. Problems solved.
Leave FOX News be. With their mean-average viewer demographic being the age
of 65 the very stroked-out populace who salaciously view Ann Coulter
as unpopped cherry, jail bait one need only look down
at their watch
and wait them out. After all, FOX News only started
to offer closed captioning after receiving numerous complaints that they
couldnt be successfully heard through an oxygen tent.
Children the cruel, heartless, and appalling alternative to abortion
should be trained, early on, to fight our Whitman Sampler, mix-n-match
wars in the Middle East. After all, its generally a gang of loosely
organized, fully brainwashed, maliciously delinquent, post-pubescent teenage
malcontents were fighting and often losing to. Lets finally
attack the enemy with a contemporary army of their American peers, tit for
To finally rid ourselves of the outmoded and antiquated Electoral College
system, we need more Yee-Haw, Grass-Roots Republicans on board to vehemently
oppose it, as well. So shorten its name
When continually annoyed by those who ponder their own best personal judgment
on the calibrated basis of What Would Jesus Do?, remind them
of the non-resistive crucifixion as a mere suggestion, mind you.
The Economy, Future World Oil Reserves, National Debt and Trade: Nuke China.