Poet, Composer, Philosopher.

Solving World Problems

Let the controversial New York, Park 51 Mosque and Muslim Cultural Center be built, as intended. Then have nineteen Born Again, Evangelical Christians fly into the structures as a suicide mission, evoking the name of Jesus Christ just prior to impact and fiery explosion. Call it even. There. Problem solved.

Let the Tea Party movement secede from the nation, forming a new country more to their liking. Give them Missouri, say. As a bonus, generational inbreeding could be entirely legal, under its own laws, so these poor and unfortunate people can finally procreate without having to incestuously reproduce under the cloak of secrecy. With this, new markets could be created for custom tailoring to fully accommodate the long-continued offspring where one arm is decidedly shorter than the other. There. Problem solved.

UPDATE: Longtime friend, and former liberal, Neuvo-Conservative Talk Host, Joyce Kaufman writes in:
I'm sitting in Missouri reading your somewhat funny rantings ... On behalf of the Tea Party, we accept your offer.

As to the acceptance of my offer, making Missouri the new land of your secession, I merely suggest that you be mindful of the fact that you'll now have four borders to secure – not that many would have a particular incentive to cross them, mind you. Still, it will no doubt give the Tea Party movement something to do for years to come – outside of intimate family get-togethers, naturally.

Bring an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict through innovative urban renewal programs. Level all current structures in Jerusalem and replace them with luxury time-share apartments. ‘Premium Weeks’, such as those containing Holy Days, would be available on a first-come, first-served basis. Yes, this would only provide a temporary solution as the Palestinians would eventually come to realize that they really couldn’t afford much of ‘luxury-anything’, in any event – even in the non-seasonal, off-weeks … but it’s the thought.

Barrack Obama should counter and put to rest all rumors and accusations that he’s a Muslim and/or a ‘bad Christian’ … by becoming a Jew. His approval and popularity ratings would instantly improve to roughly that of Sammy Davis Jr., though finding a hotel room on his road trips might prove to be a little problematic. Although, while possibly offsetting any Angela Davis associations, additionally coughing up a new, Swedish blonde wife would not be recommended in the current cultural climate.

Curtail the influx of illegal immigrants and undocumented workers by removing all border fences … and replace them with reflective mirrors, aimed south. Mexicans will see their own dark and shadowy figures ‘approaching’ from a distance, assume that they’re the US authorities, and shall hastily head back home. Per square foot, far less expensive than the tall and elaborate border fences, and would further eliminate the high cost of border patrol personnel as they have now been effectively synthesized and simulated by the very intruders trying to get past them. There. Problems solved.

Leave FOX News be. With their mean-average viewer demographic being the age of 65 – the very stroked-out populace who salaciously view Ann Coulter as “unpopped cherry, jail bait” – one need only look down at their watch … and wait them out. After all, FOX News only started to offer closed captioning after receiving numerous complaints that they couldn’t be successfully heard through an oxygen tent.

Children – the cruel, heartless, and appalling alternative to abortion – should be trained, early on, to fight our Whitman Sampler, mix-n-match wars in the Middle East. After all, it’s generally a gang of loosely organized, fully brainwashed, maliciously delinquent, post-pubescent teenage malcontents we’re fighting – and often losing to. Let’s finally attack the enemy with a contemporary army of their American peers, tit for tat.

To finally rid ourselves of the outmoded and antiquated Electoral College system, we need more Yee-Haw, Grass-Roots Republicans on board to vehemently oppose it, as well. So shorten its name … to ‘College’.

When continually annoyed by those who ponder their own best personal judgment on the calibrated basis of ‘What Would Jesus Do?’, remind them of the non-resistive crucifixion – as a mere suggestion, mind you.

The Economy, Future World Oil Reserves, National Debt and Trade: Nuke China.    There … Problem solved.

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